Michael Ian Black loves America.

michael ian black head.jpgI don’t blog every day. I realize that. But does that mean that I can’t love America as much as Michael Ian Black? Apparently so, because he’s already hip-deep in a feud with David Sedaris. Why should I care? I’ll tell you why. I care because now that he’s taken up a feud with Daniel Sedaris, thus proving that he loves America, there’s no way on God’s green earth for me to prove that I love America.
I know what you’re thinking. “Sean, just start your feud now. Weeping’s for losers. And you’re no loser, Sean. Not by a country mile.” To that I say, thank you. Thank you so much for thinking that. But f%&* off, and here’s why: it’s a well known fact that Donald Sedaris hates America, and he’s been chompin’ at the bit for a feud with an America-lovin’ soul with a book deal. I could have been that soul! But, I don’t have a book deal. Is it fair that Michael Ian Black (MIB3*) has a book deal I don’t? No it is not. Is it fair that he’s famous and on CNN all the time? No it is not. Is it fair that he has a harem of love slaves who live on a yacht anchored somewhere in international waters, most likely between Florida and Cuba? No. No it is not.
It’s not that I hate MIB3. I don’t. Well, that’s not true. I do. So, in retrospect, it is that I hate MIB3, but it’s also more than that. It’s that MIB3 has taken Daryl Sedaris away from me simply by having had the time/energy and chutzpa (yes, I said it, chutzpa!) to write a humorous collection of essays, find an agent, find a publisher, get it published, and prepare a book tour. Did I write a book of humorous essays. No. Would I have? Probably not. But dammit, I wanted the opportunity to remain open! The moment someone else, someone as cunning and America-loving as MIB3, does something that I maybe possibly would have done someday is the moment I can no longer be the one to do it! And that’s not right.
Having said all that, let me now say this: MIB3: it’s on. Oh yes my friend (and by friend I mean frenemy by which I mean my best friend/enemy which is someone I love and hate all at the same conflicted time), I declare a feud upon you. You think you can love America as hard as I can? Well I’m not gonna let that stand. You sir, have a new BFF (“best frenemy forever”) and his name rhymes with Fawn Serrell.
*Note: I refer to Michael Ian Black as “MIB3” for two reasons. First I couldn’t use “MIB” because people would think I wanted to feud with the film and/or comic book and/or cartoon “Men In Black” which I don’t because the film/comic/cartoon was too full of the shiznit to ever want to feud with it. I could have used MIB2 because “Men in Black 2” was a God-awful piece of crap and between eating used tissues and watching MIB2 I’d take the tissues, but if I had used MIB2 it would have created the same confusion (making people think I’m feuding with a movie, which I’m not).
Second, by using MIB3 I create the illusion that Michael Ian Black’s initials have a little set of balls dangling from them (“3”) and I think that speaks for itself.