“The My Eyes, the Goggles Do Nothing” contest winner is…”

Me. I don’t think I’ve laughed so hard in a while. The entries were fantastic, and it was very, very difficult for me to decide who should get Evan Mandery’s “First Contact.” As a result, I ate the book.
No, that’s not true. I burned it.
No.
The winner is: Steve Stubbs. He was brilliant in his description(s) of what I was doing in that picture, and was spot on perfect in each one. Steve, please use the “contact me” page of my site to send me your shoe size and mailing address where I can send Mr. Mandery’s book. Congratulations.
Now, a note or thirty about the other entries:
Janet: you’re disqualified. If you had won I would have had to send you 15% of the book and I couldn’t decide which 15% to send.
Carrie: I almost made you the winner because you’re entry was a perfect nemesis’s maneuver. You showed up second (early, but not TOO early) and said “I am SO coming back for this” (nice touch, cap lock “so”) and then you never. came. back. (Slow clap.) Well played.
John C: Time travel. If only you knew… if only… you knew…
Beth: You were close. I am not a rocketeer. I am actually a Rockette. I have legs for days. Trust me.
Bethany: You got high marks for both The Simpsons and Hellboy name-drops.
Linda: In my heart I AM Abe Sapien. (Behind Janet Reid’s door… I sense… great evil.)
Josin: You were almost correct: my writing lair IS a steam-powered diving machine. It’s the F train between Brooklyn and Manhattan.
Christi: You made me laugh out loud with your first line, and the Max Headroom reference. I l-l-l-l-loved that show.
Gripemaster: It’s hard to see through tears, but what I can see tells me you want my goggles. No. Bad Gripemaster.
Joelle: Janet’s other clients are too busy hiding under rocks and rock-like objects to protect them from Janet’s glare to even notice I’m having a contest.
Mr. Avila: I was going to write you re: losing myself but I couldn’t find my pen. Or my hand. Or me.
Lee: Ahh… Daryl Hannah. Thank you for getting me through the years 1984, 1985, 1987, and half of 1989.
Claire: Did you have me under surveillance during college? I swear… amazing.
Perle: Ahh… gillyweed. Thank you for getting me through the years 1986, 1988 and half of 1989.
Harley: Once again, brilliant. And eerily… familiar why do I want a lollipop oh my God now I remember!
Kari: I almost named you the winner for your entry.
Kristen: Your entry was astute. Only someone far along on their spiritual journey could recognize how far along on my spiritual journey I am.
Sly McMinebogglersnort: I know who you are.
Gabe: You were disqualified on account of the amount of tears I shed over your comments on my manuscript.
T.H. Mafi: Thank you!
Again, every single one was astounding. I am beyond impressed.

5 thoughts on ““The My Eyes, the Goggles Do Nothing” contest winner is…”

  1. “Linda: In my heart I AM Abe Sapien. (Behind Janet Reid’s door… I sense… great evil.)”
    I almost snorted Chex Mix out my nose.
    Congrats, Steve Stubbs! I loved reading your entry. It was hilarious.
    Sean, you should sign the book. That way, generations from now, Stubbs’ grandkids will open it and go, “Why did Sean Farrell sign Evan Mandery’s book? Were they the same person?”

  2. “Linda: In my heart I AM Abe Sapien. (Behind Janet Reid’s door… I sense… great evil.)”
    I almost snorted Chex Mix out my nose.
    Congrats, Steve Stubbs! I loved reading your entry. It was hilarious.
    Sean, you should sign the book. That way, generations from now, Stubbs’ grandkids will open it and go, “Why did Sean Farrell sign Evan Mandery’s book? Are they the same person?”

  3. Yes, it was my subtle way of saying, “As your nemesis, I am constantly watching your every move, yet I may ultimately be so overwhelmed by my evil stratagems that I forget what else I was planning to do this week.”
    Or, put another way:
    “Now that I have you fully captured and powerless, Mr. Ferrell Special Agent 006, I will reveal to you the entirety of my dastardly pla… oh crap, I think I left something on the stove. And WHERE IS MY DAUGHTER? Is she messing with the folded laundry again? Hold on, Mr. Ferrell. I’ll be right back.”

  4. Disqualified!!!! DisQUALIFIED?? I take my tattered, dog-eared, beloved copy of NUMB off in a huff to Old Time Tavern where I will buy drinks for everyone BUT you!!
    Disqualified indeed.

  5. I’d make you cry even harder if I had just one more weekend with that manuscript. You’ve opened a door that should’ve remained closed, buddy.

Leave a Reply