A generic apology from Sean Ferrell to whomever is hearing it read to them.

To my readers: please use this whenever/wherever necessary. Much appreciated.

Dear (say their name(s)),
I’m so sorry I couldn’t be at your (say event (e.g. ground-breaking, parole hearing, anniversary party)). I may be missed, but not as much as I’ll miss seeing you (add “both” if applicable). If there is one thing I know, it’s that only what I’m doing right now could keep me from being with you. Sometimes timing is everything, and if it weren’t for what I’m doing right now coinciding with your (say event, see above) you know I’d be there. I promise to make every effort to be there next time (NOTE: don’t read this sentence if it would be idiotic to do so (e.g. testifying as alibi in murder trial)). In the meantime please know that even though I’m doing something else, I’ll spend every (second/minute/hour; use best judgment) thinking about you. Perhaps, if I can get away early, I’ll be able to see you at the after party (NOTE: don’t read this sentence if it would be idiotic to do so (e.g. funeral))!!!
I’m sure we’ll talk soon. Please feel free to contact me through the reader of this note (give them your e-mail and phone number; NOTE: under NO circumstances should you give MY e-mail/phone/address or any promise of passing on any message to me). They are a good (friend/lover/relative (use best judgment)) and I’ll be sure to get your message (see above).
Best wishes and see you soon,
Your (friend/lover/relative (use best judgment)),


As I stood in front of the urinal contemplating the marvels of the universe I found myself thinking of today’s date. Three identical numbers usually has a mesmerizing effect on me anyway. On July 7th of last year I stood in my office spinning like a top until I fell over and vomited. But today’s “8/8/8” strikes me as different for a number of reasons.
First, it’s a year later. Well, a year, and a month, and a day to be exact.
Second, as my three-year-old son told me, it’s his birthday.
Third, as my three-year-old-son told me, an “8” turned sideways is the symbol for infinity. People are taking this as a sign that today has some special significance. It is apparently the driving force behind a lot of people wanting to get married today. It’s also behind today being the start of the Olympics (as we all know, all cultures everywhere in the world follow the same calendar and have no unique dating system of their own, and the number 8/8/8 is not in any way arbitrary or up for debate; I mean, it’s not like the Chinese have their own calendar).
Given that a sleeping 8 = infinity I am drawn to two conclusions: 1) today is three times as infinite as any other day; 2) Buzz Lightyear didn’t know what the hell he was talking about.
I’ll return to the first point. Re: “Buzz” “Lightyear” (neither of those sound like real names to me, hence the quotes), he was fond of shouting “To infinity and beyond,” which is absurd. Where is infinity? Uh, you’re standing in it, jackass. And what’s “beyond” infinity? Nothing is beyond infinity. Read that sentence again, but skip over this sentence upon your rereading because I don’t want you to get caught in a recursive loop and die, drooling, on your keyboard; I don’t need that kind of responsibility on my head, thanks. With me yet? Okay, Nothing is beyond infinity. So what “B””L” was saying was “To what we’re already in and nothing,” which is fine if you’re Martin Heidegger, but is ridiculous if you’re wearing a fishbowl on your head. Hey, “Buzz,” are you Martin Heidegger? No? Then, shut up. Put that in your fishbowl and rattle it.
Plus, I don’t even think he’s a real astronaut.
So now that I’ve discharged my venom at a NASA-flunkie I can return to today’s 3Xinfinity, or Sleeping 8-cubed. Infinity? You are absolutely steeping in it. Normally infinity is a lot to handle, but today there’s three times as much of it, as long as you look at the date sideways, which I do, and I do that by remaining in a prone position on my desk. I can just see the calendar from here. It looks awesome and has a little cat on it waving its paw at a moving fan. Who the hell took that picture? Does that cat still have that paw? I don’t care! Because I’m sucking on infinity.
And just in case you think you’ve got more infinity than me, you don’t, because my office is on the 8th floor. That’s right, as long as I don’t leave my desk I’ll be losing muscle mass… infinitely!
*NOTE: My Google searches for a picture of “infinity” turned up nothing, so this is the best I can do. I know, technically it’s an “Infiniti” with an “i” but I think that’s just a typo.