Michael Ian Black loves America.

michael ian black head.jpgI don’t blog every day. I realize that. But does that mean that I can’t love America as much as Michael Ian Black? Apparently so, because he’s already hip-deep in a feud with David Sedaris. Why should I care? I’ll tell you why. I care because now that he’s taken up a feud with Daniel Sedaris, thus proving that he loves America, there’s no way on God’s green earth for me to prove that I love America.
I know what you’re thinking. “Sean, just start your feud now. Weeping’s for losers. And you’re no loser, Sean. Not by a country mile.” To that I say, thank you. Thank you so much for thinking that. But f%&* off, and here’s why: it’s a well known fact that Donald Sedaris hates America, and he’s been chompin’ at the bit for a feud with an America-lovin’ soul with a book deal. I could have been that soul! But, I don’t have a book deal. Is it fair that Michael Ian Black (MIB3*) has a book deal I don’t? No it is not. Is it fair that he’s famous and on CNN all the time? No it is not. Is it fair that he has a harem of love slaves who live on a yacht anchored somewhere in international waters, most likely between Florida and Cuba? No. No it is not.
It’s not that I hate MIB3. I don’t. Well, that’s not true. I do. So, in retrospect, it is that I hate MIB3, but it’s also more than that. It’s that MIB3 has taken Daryl Sedaris away from me simply by having had the time/energy and chutzpa (yes, I said it, chutzpa!) to write a humorous collection of essays, find an agent, find a publisher, get it published, and prepare a book tour. Did I write a book of humorous essays. No. Would I have? Probably not. But dammit, I wanted the opportunity to remain open! The moment someone else, someone as cunning and America-loving as MIB3, does something that I maybe possibly would have done someday is the moment I can no longer be the one to do it! And that’s not right.
Having said all that, let me now say this: MIB3: it’s on. Oh yes my friend (and by friend I mean frenemy by which I mean my best friend/enemy which is someone I love and hate all at the same conflicted time), I declare a feud upon you. You think you can love America as hard as I can? Well I’m not gonna let that stand. You sir, have a new BFF (“best frenemy forever”) and his name rhymes with Fawn Serrell.
*Note: I refer to Michael Ian Black as “MIB3” for two reasons. First I couldn’t use “MIB” because people would think I wanted to feud with the film and/or comic book and/or cartoon “Men In Black” which I don’t because the film/comic/cartoon was too full of the shiznit to ever want to feud with it. I could have used MIB2 because “Men in Black 2” was a God-awful piece of crap and between eating used tissues and watching MIB2 I’d take the tissues, but if I had used MIB2 it would have created the same confusion (making people think I’m feuding with a movie, which I’m not).
Second, by using MIB3 I create the illusion that Michael Ian Black’s initials have a little set of balls dangling from them (“3”) and I think that speaks for itself.

One thought on “Michael Ian Black loves America.

  1. Whew! I wandered over here from ‘Clarity of Night’ and discovered … as I began a little giggle that grew to quite the guffaw … that I really needed a good laugh today. Thanks!
    By the way – I am sure you are much more talented than MIB3. (At least you do not have to resort to supplementing your income by reminiscing aloud about every year between 1970 and today on VH1.)

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